What Do You Do When You
Find Out There Is Another Man or Woman?
When we find out that we have a little
competition, we so often react with intense feelings of rage and anger.
Our first reaction is “how could you do this to me?” This is followed by
blaming the other man/woman. The third stage is trying to pull out all
stops to the "affair"." We put pressure, ask questions, over dramatize
the situation, call in our social networks for support, beg, cajole,
insult and degrade him/her, monitor his/her actions -- sometimes hourly.
All these actions seem reasonable in the moment, but these same actions
may actually end up forcing him/her to make a decision in favour of the
other person. With your rage, anger, desperation and neediness dripping
all over, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top.
So what should you do instead?
1. Stop over dramatizing the situation
Many of us like to deceive ourselves and pretend that if it wasn’t for
that other person there would be no "affair". Truth is, there would be,
it just would have been a different other man/other woman.
Most men and women -- I used to be one of them -- who date outside the
“dating relationship” do so not because the other person is really
better but because they are trying to “compare” what they are giving up
with what they’ll gain if they continued in the relationship with you.
By asking too questions about the other person and over dramatizing the
situation, you are making the other person more important, attractive
and desirable than they really are. The reality is that they are nothing
special. They are not superior to you. They may just have happened to be
in the right spot at the right time-- and offer something a little
different. Not better just different.
And trying to contact the other man/woman is just you, your low
self-esteem and insecurities beating yourself up. The other man/woman
will never give you any deeper insights that will fill in the gaps and
put the issue to rest. This is between you and your man/woman, keep it
between the two of you.
2. Stop putting pressure
As crazy as it may sound, what men or women who is ambivalent about a
relationship really need is a little space! Give him/her that space.
Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop
being a pain. Most of all stop trying to stop him/her from seeing the
other man/woman.
This may be a hard to swallow pill for most people, especially in our
"monogamous" society. But think of the “Romeo and Julie effect”. Most of
us growing up at some point or other experienced this or know someone
who did.
When our parents tried to hinder the relationship, the other person
became more critical to our happiness and even sense of identity and
belonging. The most common reaction is rebellion and wanting our
“beloved” more. This may be so even if we initially didn’t really like
the person that much. Most people experience more passion, love and
romance in these times, more than at any other time in the relationship.
If you take away something, you are increasing its scarcity and thereby
increasing the desire for that thing. The more you intervene and try to
stop him/her from seeing the other man/woman the more you will increase
the love and romance in the relationship. Suddenly, he or she gains more
pleasure from the relationship because it’s kind of “forbidden love”.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop increasing his/her
desire for the other man/woman. This will take some effort. It might
even take some coaching or therapy in the beginning, but it will become
easier as you learn to incorporate another “True Love” principle into
your relationships and life.
If this is a person who gets his/her validation from how much he/she can
mess with someone’s else’ emotions to feel wanted, your attitude says
he/she isn’t as “hot” as he/she thought he or she was. It also says you
are one man/woman whose emotions can’t be messed with.
3. Make him/her earn back your love and trust
Personally, I do not believe in trying to find “closure’ because some
things in life do not have logical explanations and therefore no logic
can bring a soul-filling “resolution”. Instead I believe in the power of
“forgiveness”. You must find it somewhere within you the desire to
forgive the other person -- if he/she is genuinely sorry. This is not
the same thing as “let’s pretend nothing happened” but rather about
second chances -- not punishment but second chances.
Make sure to discuss ways he/she can earn back your trust. It's his/her
job to recreate that trust.
4. Give him/her good reason to believe that you’re the person he/she
wants
His/her dating someone else doesn't have to signal the end of a
relationship, that is if you really love the person and want to spend
the rest of your lives together. In fact, an “affair” can be the means
for drawing the two of you closer together.
Get to the bottom of what makes him/her feel that he/she needs someone
else outside the relationship. From experience, my own and those of my
clients, we never grow out of that desire to fall in love again and
again and again. Even when we’re in a happy, stable, loving
relationship, we still want to feel that feeling and passion of "falling
in love" with someone new. Learn ways to make your man/woman fall in
love again and again.
It takes your courage and your abiding love for you to love someone
enough to say "I deserve better" and make it stick and to hold the line.
This can be an opportunity for you to move the relationship the
direction you want it to go, if you know how and what to do.
And without so much as lifting a finger, you’ll come on top and
eliminate your competition - for good.
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