Human emotions are really fragile
and unless you understand when to act on a man or woman’s emotions,
you’ll be in jeopardy, not only of failing to light the flame, but of
destroying even the little spark of interest that was there in the
beginning.
Just like in any dance, timing is everything, even more importantly than
moves or steps. Knowing the correct time to act is not merely a matter
of deciding what particular instant is the right moment to make a move,
rather it’s knowing how to draw out corresponding emotions from others.
Similar to how a dancer or musician will feel when his or her timing is
off, your personal “timing” is off, hitting too soon, or too late when:
1. You find it hard to find common points of interest, whether personal
or professional.
2. You are overwhelmed, confused, and anxious most of the time.
3. The other person is not showing genuine interest in trying to make a
connection.
4. You feel that the other person is somehow holding back.
5. You feel like you are hitting a dead wall.
5. The other person tells you he/she does not feel the emotional
connection.
6. The other person tells you something is missing.
7. He/she suddenly breaks up with you when you thought all was going
well.
When this occurs, the common mistake many men and women make is
rationalize what’s going on, try to intellectually show the other person
“you understand” how he/she feels, give some sort of advice or “small
talk” or blame the other person (he/she has issues). This is often not
the best move.
The best course is to pull back and modify your actions and reactions to
“fit” the other person’s unexpressed emotional needs, and potential and
then set a course that fully captures the current chemistry, spark of
interest, or connection.
Most of my clients ask me, how do I do that?
Tuning in to another person emotionally is an internal monitoring
process of being able to pick up an actual “emotion” in another’s
utterances the same way we pick up the change of emotions in a
musician’s song. The delicate moment when one emotion changes to another
cannot be so easily seen with physiological eyes (like observing body
language) but by making genuine effort to become emotionally “one” with
that person. Therapists and counselors do this all the time. And many of
us do it when we are not focused on trying to create an impression or
manipulate one.
For example, if the other person is narrating an
experience in which they felt sad, we will naturally feel sad. If they
smile or laugh, we smile and laugh too. Their emotions become our
emotions and their feelings our feelings.
When this happens, the other person feels emotionally connected to us.
And the people we feel emotionally connected to are the people we are
attracted to and want to be around. We don’t want to let them go because
we think we may never experience that level of connection with someone
else.
