The Two Most Desired Traits In A Mate - This Will Blow Your Pants Off ...

For decades we’ve been told that men and women look for different characteristics in each other when seeking a mate. We’ve told that men are visual and prefer young, good looking women and that women want the bad boy with or without cash flow.

Guess what, this is so true. But not in the way you’ve been told. Evolutionary psychologists studying mate choice say when it comes to long term relationships, men and women look for two particular traits in a mate – and this apparently is universal. No it’s not physical appearance, it isn't money, it isn't status, it’s not even charisma or sense of humour - it kindness and intelligence. Believe it or not, it’s kindness and intelligence! And it has been that way for a very long time, perhaps hundreds of thousands of years.

Apparently all men and all women in all corners of the world look for indicators of a person’s ability to get along in the world—and kindness and intelligence are the human traits that sum it all up. But this is the part I really like. They say the reason our ancestors attracted more mates and higher quality mates was because they were smarter than average and kinder than average.

But it’s more complicated than that. Let me break it down for you.

Kindness – This is not the same thing as “nice” uh-uhm. Kindness is more than being nice. Many kind people are actually not very “nice” people. By “nice” here I mean saying only the things others want to hear, being at their beckon call, never asking for what you want because you are afraid of hurting their feelings and basically being someone else’s doormat. That is a whole other level of “kindness.”

What is meant by “kindness" is very complex and that is why saying some is a "kind person" means so many things. This is how I understand kindness. It may not be your definition but you’ll get it all the same. The word “kind” comes from the word “kindred” or “kin” and kindness is recognition that we all share a common family - humankind. To say that someone treated you "kindly" or with “kindness” would be to say that that person acted and treated you as if you were a relative (kindred). And how do we (normal people) treat relatives? With thoughtfulness, understanding, compassion, consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, helpfulness, empathy, approval, attention – you get the picture.

So guys, when a woman says she prefers a “Nice Guy” she is not referring to door-mat-nice but referring to the Psychological trait of “kindness” . She wants a man who can treat her like a "kindred". And when she says she is attracted to “Bad Boys” she is attracted to the Psychological trait of “Intelligence.” I will explain the intelligence trait in a minute.

My hypothesis is that the reason we’re attracted to good looks and a youthful appearance is because our Psychological brains translate fine and easy-on the eyes features of good looking people as “kindness.” And of course if we go by the definition of kindness I gave, we all have good looks (or at least wish, hope and pray). This is just me thinking no research no evidence – yet. But I bet you a few years from now someone is going to back it up with facts.

The second most desired trait is intelligence.  This is where it gets really, really interesting. When it comes to choosing mates for long term relationships we are smarter than we even know. We chose mates based on 8 types of intelligence, not just the one or two IQ tests measure.

Here are those 8 types of intelligence:

1. Interpersonal Intelligence (People Smarts): the ability to understand other people’s intentions, motivations and desires. We are attracted to people smarts people because they relate well, have many friends and are cooperative. They are also sensitive to our feelings, fears, moods, temperament, motivations and intentions. They are genuinely empathic, and genuinely concerned about what is happening to us moment by moment.

2. Linguistic Intelligence (Word Smarts): the capacity to use language to express what's on your mind. Human courtship is largely through the use of words and people who are good at thinking in words and using language to express and appreciate life’s beauty and complexes are very attractive because they excite, please, convince and stimulate us by the way they use words to convey information.  

3. Musical Intelligence (Rhythm Smarts): the capacity to think and communicate using rhythm. This is what I like to call the Elvis Presley Phenomenon. Men and women with this trait have the unusual ability to make the rest of us feel what they feel, become one with them, and together with them. Their song becomes “my/our song” because we feel “connected” to them in a deeper and more primal way. We even want to take on their identity - amazing!  And to think I always wanted to be Michael Jackson - before the plastic surgery!

4. Bodily/Kinesthetic Intelligence (Body Smarts): the capacity to use your whole body as intelligent communicator of  ideas, emotions, desires etc.  We’re attracted to people with this trait because body smart people are body expressive, they have good timing, coordination and reflexes, they like physical contact and are very responsive, they have exceptional control of their bodies and as a result excellent in using their bodies in the bedroom - or where ever you prefer to do it..

5. Mathematical Intelligence (Logic Smarts): the capacity to understand the relationship between cause and effect and manipulate numbers, quantities, and operations. We attracted to people with this intelligence because of their ability to think and reason deductively and inductively. They are usually organized good planners and most of us enjoy some level of certainty.  They are also good at handling and managing money and financial investments.

6. Naturalist Intelligence (Jungle Smarts/Street Smarts): sensitivity, respect and understanding of the delicate balance and deep relationship between the nature within and the nature outside (other creatures and features of the natural world).  Although we've come along from the “jungle days” our Psychological brains are still programmed to be attracted to people who can effectively deal with their surroundings.  People who are savvy about their environment make us feel “safe and happy" because we know we can always count on them to introduce us to the mysteries and wonders (nice restaurant, discount store, important people and connections etc) and protect us from physical harm.

7. Intrapersonal Intelligence (Self Smarts): having an understanding of yourself; knowing who you are, what you can do, what you want to do, how you react to things, which things to avoid, and which things to gravitate toward. We are drawn to people who have a good understanding of themselves because they tend to know what they can and can't do, and to know where to go if they need help.  They can be relied on to take care of us when we can't take care of ourselves.

8. Existential Intelligence (Life Smarts ): the ability to be sensitive to, and have the capacity to pose and ponder larger questions such as the meaning of life, why are we born, why are some people evil, why do we die, what is consciousness, or how did we get here etc. We are attracted to people with this intelligence because they are fully aware and appreciative of the world we live in - its diversity, complexity, and wonder. And if we are open to it, they take us to places that our fearful minds are usually afraid to go.

My interest is in - how we can take advantage of this knowledge so that when a man or woman comes looking we will be chosen as the desired mate.  How can we best position ourselves so that his or her survival instinct radar zooms on us- Zap! You are the one I want!

I have a few ideas on how this is possible and in this book reveal secrets of developing each of this traits to a level that is very appealing to the opposite sex.  This is a quest, one which I intend on taking all the way back to discovering every little secret our ancestors used to attract more mates and higher quality mates.
 

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